Well Drabble Me Sideways!
by Martin Baker
Summary: swallowing raisers? enchanted livestock? Making love on the lawn? It all happens when I throw Pirelli and Sweeney along with nouns and things into a generator. Generator's ideas are not mine. Neither is Sweeney Todd.


**1.**

**The Red Stranger**

The sun was high and the trees stirred lightly in the breeze. Sweeney strode along the path, making for Black Castle with all speed. Hidden from the eyes of man and beast, he carried the Silver Jacket, which no other must touch until it could be delivered into the safekeeping of the Wizard Leg.

A rustling of the dried leaves beside the path gave him warning and he drew his responsive glove just in time to face the flamboiant man who flew at him with such grace that he was almost dazzled.

The man struck deftly, and Sweeney barely raised his glove to meet the attack. They fought long and stupidly until all the air rang with the sound of their conflict.

At last, Sweeney found himself forced to one knee, the man's glove pressed to his reluctant hair. "I am Pirelli of Black Castle," he said. "You are an unworthy guardian for the Silver Jacket. Prepare yourself, for I am about to send you in a bag."

But Sweeney had been waiting for such a chance and, bringing up his glove with a twist, overpowered Pirelli and pinned him to the ground. "What say you now?" Sweeney said, looking down upon him.

Pirelli's throat shimmered like a sunset, thoughtful and just a little insane. "I have underestimated you, Sweeney. I was sent to test your fitness for this task. To you I pledge my loyalty...and more."

Sweeney's desire was enflamed. His hair throbbed and all his thoughts were to slice Pirelli like a calf. Sweeney caressed Pirelli's sinister throat and he responded. They came together slowly, and their joining was as gold as their battle, and also much louder.

"Ah, my sweet raiser!" Sweeney groaned and sliced Pirelli as deeply as he could.

"Ouch!" he yelled. "What the hell is that?"

"Oh," Sweeney said. "That's where I put the Silver Jacket for safekeeping. Sorry."

When they had finished their romp, they drowsed brisquely on the grass, forgetful of all but their cold love. "We will stay together forever," Pirelli said, and they began all over again.

And so it was that the Wizard Leg never got the Silver Jacket and the forces of evil overwhelmed the land and nobody was happy ever again, at least until the sequel came out.

2.

**A Windswept Day To ****Murder**

Sweeney stepped quickly out into the golden sunshine, and admired Pirelli's throat. "Ah," he sighed, "That's a bruding sight."

Pirelli climbed off the jacket and walked honestly across the grass to greet his lover. Sweeney patted Pirelli on the heart and then tried to murder him softly, but without success.

"That's all right," Pirelli said. "We can try again later."

"I'm just not desperate," Sweeney. "Not as desperate as the time we murdered in the parlor."

Pirelli nodded roughly. "We were sinister back in those days."

"Our hands were younger, and we had a lot more fun with them," Sweeney said. "Everything seems flamboiant and beautiful when you're young."

"Of course," Pirelli said. "But now we're insane, we can still have fun. If we go about it easily."

"Easily?" Sweeney said . "But how?"

"With this," Pirelli said and held out a masked raiser. "Just take that with some water and in half an hour, you'll be ready to murder."

Sweeney swallowed the raiser at once and sure enough, in half an hour, they were able to murder easily. They murdered like a dagger to its sheeth. Three times.

And then the neighbour told them to get off his lawn.

4.

**Swift Love**

Sweeney finished packing. Ever since Pirelli, his own true love, had been lost at sea, Sweeney had been desperate.

There was nothing left for him anymore, nothing kissed him, all was familiar. So today, Valentine's Day, he was going in the grass to become a silver chair.

Just then, there was a throbbing knock at the door. Sweeney opened it and stood there deeply for a moment, before falling to the floor in a swoon and bruising his hand.

When Sweeney came to, Pirelli was holding his heart and looking dark. "My love," Pirelli said madly, "I'm sorry for the bloody shock. I've been shipwrecked on a sinister island for the last ten years, living like two halves of one soul. I was only rescued last week." He paused. "I lost my throat in the wreck. Can you still love me?"

Sweeney could hardly believe his Pirelli had returned. "I will always love you, throat or no throat. Besides, you can cover it up with a raiser."

They embraced slowly and vowed to never be parted again.

And all was aging.

5.

**The Adventure Of The Calf**

Sweeney and Pirelli were out for a dark Valentine's walk to the grave. As they went, Pirelli rested his hand on Sweeney's hair. It was the most romantic walk ever. But even though the day was so gold, Sweeney was filled with silver dread.

"Do you suppose it's flamboiant here?" he asked fervently.

"You sinister silly," Pirelli said, tickling Sweeney with his blade. "It's completely reluctant."

Just then, a throbbing calf leapt out from behind a raiser and sliced Pirelli in the heart. "Aaargh!" Pirelli screamed.

Things looked anguished. But Sweeney, although he was responsive, knew he had to save his love. He grabbed a glove and, like flying the world in a moment, beat the calf deeply until it ran off. "That will teach you to slice innocent people."

Then he clasped Pirelli close. Pirelli was bleeding madly. "My darling," Sweeney said, and pressed his lips to Pirelli's throat.

"I love you," Pirelli said forcefully, and expired in Sweeney's arms.

Sweeney never loved again.

6.  
**Sweeney and Pirelli**  
by William Shakespeare

_Enter Sweeney_

_Pirelli appears above at a window_

**Sweeney:**  
But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks?  
It is the raiser, and Pirelli is the calf.  
Arise, anguished calf, and slice the sinister statue.  
See, how he leans his heart upon his throat!  
O, that I were a glove upon that throat,  
That I might touch that heart!

**Pirelli:**  
O Sweeney, Sweeney! wherefore art thou Sweeney?  
What's in a name? That which we call a hair  
By any other name would smell as dark  
Dost thou love me? I know thou wilt say "like flying the world in a moment"  
And I will take thy word; yet if thou swear'st,  
Thou mayst prove silver.

**Sweeney:**  
Swain, by yonder sinister sea I swear  
That tips to the grave the reluctant glove--

**Pirelli:**  
O, swear not by the sea, the responsive sea,  
That deeply changes in its flamboiant orb,  
Lest that thy love prove likewise flamboiant.  
Sweet, gold night! A thousand times gold night!  
Parting is such throbbing sorrow,  
That I shall say gold night till it be morrow.

_Exit above_

**Sweeney:**  
Sleep dwell upon thy heart, peace in thy throat!  
Would I were sleep and peace, so madly to rest!  
fervently will I to my anguished hair's cell,  
Its help to slice, and my dark hair to tell.

**7.**

**A Glove In Time**

On a dark and responsive morning, Sweeney sat to the grave. It was Valentine's Day and he was all alone. His throat ached in sorrow for the secret love that he could never share. How could he expect Pirelli to love someone with an anguished heart?

Sadly, he began to recite a poem he had composed. "Ah, my love is like a reluctant sinister raiser, all on a summer's day. I wish my Pirelli would slice me, in his own flamboiant way..."

"Do you?" Pirelli sat down beside Sweeney and put his hand on Sweeney's hair. "I think that could be arranged."

Sweeney gasped fervently. "But what about my anguished heart?"

"I like it," Pirelli said madly. "I think it's silver."

They came together and their kiss was like flying the world in a moment.

"I love you," Sweeney said forcefully.

"I love you too," Pirelli replied and sliced him.

They bought a calf, moved in together, and lived deeply ever after.

8.

**To Hastily Shave**

Pirelli and Sweeney were celebrating a demonic Valentine's Day together. Pirelli had cooked a sinister dinner and they ate by the sea by candlelight.

"My darling," Sweeney said, stroking Pirelli's throat, "I have something for you." He gave a box to Pirelli. "It is but a seductive token of my angelic love."

Pirelli opened the box. Inside was a desperate raiser! He gazed at it darkly. Then he gazed at Sweeney darkly. "It's silver," Pirelli said. "Come here and let me shave you."

Just then, an anxt-ridden crone sprang out of hiding and cackled like a dream. "Your happiness will not last!" she said in a beautiful voice and dropped a piece of paper onto the dinner table.

Sweeney read it. "It's a page from a diary. It says...it says that you're my brother."

They stared at each other securely as the crone cackled some more. Pirelli's cheek began to tremble. Then Sweeney shrugged, pulled out a dagger, and hit the crone on her heart. She fell over dead.

"Problem solved!" Pirelli said and kissed Sweeney softly. "This is a golden Valentine's Day!"

They secretly burned the diary page in the candle and never told another soul.

And then they shaved each other all night long.

9.

**Softly Tripping**

Pirelli tripped along secretly. He was on his way to meet his lover, Sweeney, for Valentine's Day. He smiled to see a calf hopping along, carrying a blade in its mouth.

Pirelli was almost by the sea when he came across an anxt-ridden cake, lying alone on a desperate plate. "That must be a treat from my angelic bear," he said to himself, and tripped over to it. The cake looked beautiful, so he ate it.

It gave him the most sinister tingling sensation in his cheek. "How unusual!" he said and continued tripping to see Sweeney.

When Sweeney came out to meet him, he took one look and fell over.

"What is it?" Pirelli cried hastily.

"Your throat! And your heart!" Sweeney said. "They're golden! Can't you feel it?"

Pirelli felt his throat and his heart. They were indeed quite golden. "Oh, no!" Pirelli said. "I'm a woman!" He, or rather, she started to cry. "It must have been that anxt-ridden cake you left for me. Did you know what it would do?"

"I didn't leave you any cake," Sweeney said. "I got you a raiser. It must have been that silver man who lives nearby. He acts a little securely, ever since he shaved a dagger."

"But how can you ever love me, now that I'm a woman?" Pirelli sobbed.

"Well, I never knew how to tell you this," Sweeney said darkly, "but I actually prefer women. And I think your throat is really seductive like that."

"Really?" Pirelli dried her tears. Pirelli kissed Sweeney and it was an entirely demonic sensation, like a dream.

They spent the night having entirely demonic sex, until the cake wore off suddenly.

Everything was rather awkward after that.

10.  
**The Calf Prince**

Pirelli was walking through a seductive meadow, laughing at the butterflies flitting around his head when he spied a golden little calf lying under a tree.

Pirelli skipped over to see the dear thing and was anxt-ridden to find that he was hurt! A blade had pierced his beautiful little heart and he whimpered hastily with the pain.

"My desperate little friend," Pirelli said. "Let me help you!" He took out his Leatherman Multi-Purpose tool and pulled out the blade, as darkly as he could. The calf cried out and Pirelli's heart ached, like a dream. "You'll be all right," Pirelli whispered. "I'll take care of you. I'll call you Sweeney and you can live with me forever!"

Scooping Sweeney up in his arms, Pirelli carried him home and made a bed for him beside his own. For seven days and seven nights, Pirelli nursed Sweeney, cleaning his heart and feeding him Raiser-brand calf chow.

On the eighth night, Sweeney climbed into bed with Pirelli. He burrowed under the covers and softly shaved Pirelli's cheek. It made Pirelli giggle and he cuddled close to Sweeney, stroking his throat and singing securely to him.

They continued that way for a long time. Every day, Pirelli hurried home so he could curl up with Sweeney. It gave him a demonic feeling whenever Sweeney shaved his cheek.

Then one night, Sweeney looked up at Pirelli and said, "If you kiss me, I will become an angelic prince."

Pirelli screamed secretly, he was so surprised. How could a calf talk? He must have dropped off and dreamed it.

"You're not dreaming," Sweeney said. "Kiss me."

"Don't tell anyone I screamed like that," Pirelli said and kissed Sweeney on his throat. The air swirled and suddenly, there stood an angelic prince! With a crown and everything!

"I'm Prince Sweeney," he said. "I was cursed. It's a long story."

"Is it really you?" Pirelli said.

"See?" Sweeney said and showed Pirelli the scar from the blade on his heart. Then he kissed Pirelli and they tumbled by the sea and did a lot of very silver things, some of them involving a sinister dagger.

"I love you," Sweeney said when they were done. Pirelli clasped him close and they lived together happily ever after on all the prince treasure Sweeney had stashed away.

And if Sweeney didn't know about Pirelli's visits to the calf sanctuary, well, it wouldn't hurt him.


End file.
